Not the good patient

I think it's safe to say that most people working in the health care industry (MDs, RNs, Pharmacists, clinical work, etc.) tend to not make very good patients when their own health or condition is the focus. So why should it surprise me that I was any different. This is a long post and a very personal and difficult one for me to address, so please bear with me. This post may not be understood by most of you but perhaps it will give someone some comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Three years ago, Ryan was only a few weeks old and life was supposed to be WONDERFUL. A new baby, a new husband, a new house...a new life. Isn't that what we dream of as little girls? What we're supposed to want out of life? Instead, I found my self holding my newborn in the middle of the floor, rocking back and forth crying. Thinking to myself that I was no good, I was going to be a horrible mother, praying that I could just get a grip of myself long enough to think clearly. I would walk out of one room laughing and into the next room in tears. Is this what being a new mom is? Does every woman react like this?

Tim and I didn't know what was going on. We fought about it, never realizing that there was an obvious answer. At Ryan's 6 week check-up, the pediatrician did a "postpartum depression survey" with me. After scoring the survey, he smiled at me and said "I'll be right back". When he came back, he was loaded with brochures and facts sheets and simply said "you might want to ready through these."

How dare he accuse me of having postpartum! Who does he think he is? How does any new mother not suffer from fatigue and irritability and anxiety? Does he seriously think I'm going to try and hurt my child? That's what most of us think, right? Postpartum depression is about hurting or killing your child or yourself. But because I couldn't handle being told I had a problem, I suffered through it for more than a year. Telling myself and Tim that it was getting better, when all I was doing was pushing the problem further down. I thought I could take care of it myself. No meds, no support groups, no therapy. I'm a strong woman after all, I've been through so much worse than a few "hormonal moments".

Just after Ryan's 1 year birthday I was starting to feel a little normal again and found out I was pregnant with Brayden. I didn't have the body image issues I had with the first pregnancy, so I didn't think I'd have a problem this time with ppd. I made it through Brayden's 6 week check-up without being handed brochures and both Tim and I thought we were in the clear. Aside from a few crying spells, all seemed well. We had gotten past the postpartum issue with flying colors.

So when Brayden was 6 months old and I started feeling the depression, anxiety and irritability creep up again I was confused. I didn't think it could happen like that...so far after giving birth. Then in January this year I found myself on the phone calling psychiatrists offices, crying asking for help. When 3 different offices told me they didn't take my insurance I gave up and made an appointment with the pediatrician. I would not let this happen again. My health was affecting my kids, my husband, my marriage and my other family. It was time to be responsible and stop being stubborn.

I attended a few support group sessions but found myself saying "I'm not as bad off as they are." How wrong I was. I ended up on two medications for depression and anxiety. I also started going to weekly psychologist sessions where we not only talk about the underlying issues of the depression, anxiety and irritability; but I receive neurofeedback sessions as well. These are sessions using light, sound, and patterns via computer to "correct" neuropathways in your brain. Good for depression, anxiety, irritability, ocd, etc.

Initially I was told that after 6 months we could re-evaluate the medication. So being the stubborn and motivated person I am, I decided to take myself off the medication while we were moving. No consultation, just do it. I know how, I work in drug safety...right? So after 3 weeks of 1/2 doses and missed doses, I had the conversation with the only person who is able to reach me...Tim. "Angela, I don't know what's been going on for the last three weeks but it's not good." After admitting to him what I had done, we had a "come to Jesus" talk so to speak.

Both my psychologist and psychiatrist agreed that I need a few more months of medication and because I essentially created a withdrawal affect by decreasing my medication too quickly. Let it be known that I hate taking medication of any sort. So I'm not happy about having to continue with it, but at this point, after 3 years of suffering from this I can't afford to continue ignoring what is going on. For the sake of my boys, my husband or myself.

Postpartum for me has been an eye-opening and humbling experience. It has claimed too many "should have been happy" times and has caused me to be some person that I know I am not. It has claimed what little bit of positive self image I worked so hard for over the last 15 years and it has put strain on the most wonderful relationship I've ever had.

So now, after 6 months of therapy/medication I have almost no anxiety, and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies have seemed to vanish...what I mean to say is that my closet and dresser are no longer color coded (ROY G BIV) and I don't have to count how many times each foot steps on a certain surface to make sure I'm giving both feet "equal opportunity"...don't ask. I'm still working on the irritability and depression. This has been a very long, hard road. I can honestly say that I will never judge another person who is seeing a psychologist or taking medication. I will not dismiss another woman who is having postpartum issues nor will I underestimate the power hormones have over a person's body.

But I will thank the person who has listened to me, supported me, guided me and loved me. Who has stood by me and never stopped loving me despite the way the last 3 years have played out...Tim. So many people would have turned the other way, but my best friend stayed and has been the most wonderful husband every step of the way. And for that I am forever grateful.