Single for the weekend

Tim took off for a weekend fishing trip with my dad and his dad. They're going down to Charleston to charter a boat for Friday and Saturday. The funniest thing about this scenario, if any of you know Tim, is that he doesn't like fishing. In fact he finds it boring and a waste of time. But when my dad offered for a long weekend and his dad said yes (both of them being fishermen) Tim felt compelled to go and spend the time with them. I think it's great, except for the fact that he's already called to tell me he's eating sea food for dinner tonight and I love me some sea food.

So what I am I doing for 4 days alone. Friday will be our typical day out. Saturday is morning swim class for the boys and then an afternoon trip to the zoo with my mom and Tim's mom. That should be fun. It's only about an hour away and it's a great zoo.

Sunday brings the 1 mile open water swim. Tim's asked me not to swim this race because it's in Harris Lake by Shearon Harris Nuclear Power Plant and he's scared I'm going to snort bacteria up my nose and die. But I think I'll swim anyway. What's life without a little danger, right? Besides, I assured him I don't snort lake water or bacteria.

UFC Gautreau Style

So before I post the UFC pictures (not really) of the boys wrestling each other; I just have to draw attention to the new picture of Brayden with the "sock guy" socks on. Haha I love that pic, I actually have another one of him standing up with them pulled up to his knees. Too cute.

Anyhow. This is the boys favorite past time with each other over the last few months now. Does anyone see how they have to take off all couch cushions before commencing said wrestling match?

Ryan with the tickle move that has rendered Brayden defenseless. (notice the elongated leg and spread toes.)

Brayden able to re-group and get the take down.

Ryan proving that he is the "older brother" and able to reverse Brayden's take down to get the pin.

What's funny is that Brayden can get Ryan in an arm bar...unintentionally of course. But the little booger has done it to me as well. And watch out for Brayden's up kicks...Destructive! Ryan on the other hand has definitely mastered the head locks simply by trying to hug Brayden (since his neck is at Ryan's arm height)...I'm sure the guillotine choke is coming. We've got to watch the hugs in this house.

Hillsborough Race Report

This race had me more nervous than I was two years ago for my first 1/2 IM. Literally, I had butterflies....all because I dislike hills. I was up every hour to either use the bathroom or get Brayden because he was not resting well due to the crappy croup crud. My goal for this race was to break 1:15. It's only 100m longer than the Kirby sprint we did earlier in the season but it's a tougher course.

This swim was a pool swim and I didn't start till 8:20. What was nice is that this is one of the very few races that I did that Tim did not race with me, so he timed my swim splits for me. 1:42, 2:00 (trying to pass some who wouldn't stop), 2:12 (got lazy and ran into some guy backstroking a pool swim and got my goggles knocked off and had to stop at the wall...dumb me) 2:00. Needless to say, I've GOT to get faster in the water. I've got to make this a focus of mine...seriously there are no more excuses.

The bike is a nice course with some moderate hills that go on forever. You climb for a 1/2 mile up a hill then you've got a false flat for another 1/2 mile. Yuk! I dislike hills, have I said that. I thought I was pushing really well until the cateye told me I was at 42 minutes for 12 miles...what the heck, seriously? I've been averaging close to 19 on my 2 hour long rides on hill comparable to these. What happened?? Oh well.

The run is a two loop course. I had passed a ton of people on the bike so my goal was to not have them pass me back on the run. I was slow getting started and knew it was going to be mental. I finished the first loop to hear and see the boys cheering for me as I headed out for the last lap. I felt like I was barely moving. I got to one very slight mole hill and slowed down, I wasn't walking, but I wouldn't call it running. Actually I think I would say it was a speed walk. After that I saw someone pass me that I didn't think should have and then I saw the little 14 year old girl that inched me out on the run at Kirby and I said "Ah heck no, not again." The thing is that she didn't have her pacer with her this time! As I was making the turn to the finish, I heard Tim yell..."you're right at 1:15" Ah crap, run faster.

I didn't make it...1:15:15. Stinking speed walking...I knew I shouldn't have done that crap. And I did beat that 14 year old this time. It's the little stupid things that give me pleasure.

After seeing the results, my bike split was actually 38:30. I guess I didn't reset my cateye before the race. So that was more like it...18.7 mph I think. I can live with that. My run wasn't as bad as I thought (26:40) but it was about a minute slower than I would have liked, especially since I train at a faster pace than that. My efforts were good enough for 15th OA and 3rd in my age group. I missed second AG by about a minute...again the run and probably the swim. I was too far out of first that girl just blew it all out.

(Due to hurricane Bill and Tim's being sick, we didn't go to the beach for his race. Although I was trying to get them to let me take his spot. Two in one weekend. That's good right?)

Random

I've been picking up on the training hours since 01 August, doing pretty well actually. But this week has turned into an all out rest week for me. I guess I needed it. My legs were not so good yesterday when I attempted to run; in fact I only made it about 2.25 miles before giving in. I guess it will be fine though, just an ultra taper for a really small race on Saturday. And by small I mean it's only 400m swim, 12 mile bike and a 5K. I'm doing a local super sprint in Hillsborough. Did anyone catch the name of that city...HILLSborough. Yeah, not my favorite place to race around here but I just felt like racing.

After the race we're headed to take the boys to a water park in Greensboro and then we're off to the outer banks...Nags head actually. Tim is going to race on Sunday. Action packed weekend ahead. The boys will have a blast, that is if we can get them healthy. Everyone in this Gautreau house is borderline sick. Ryan is congested, Brayden has the croup (for the second time), I've been stuffy for a few days and Tim swears he's coming down with some weird deadly virus from swallowing lake water last weekend. I doubt the deadly part, but I have no doubt he's getting sick too.

And to top it all off, when we took Brayden to the urgent care to get a steroid shot for the croup, the first thing the doctor said (before shutting the door or looking at us even!) "so we had a child with the chicken pox in here today. You have up to 21 days for system to start if you're going to get it." Oh yes! That's what we wanted to hear. Luckily Ryan was not with us at the time so he didn't get exposed, but Tim has never had chicken pox. And at least Brayden go the vaccine at his 1 year visit. Hopefully it will work.

Precious Moments

So this is how we end our days with Ryan. As precious as it is, there are some funny or "non serious" moments too. He repeats after us...here goes:

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. May angels watch me through the night and keep me in their blessed sight. What's the last step mommy? AMENNNN"

"God bless Uncle Chris...mommy I don't have uncle chris, what does he do?"
Me- "yes you do Ryan, that's Aunt Trudy's husband, he works on computers."
"Oh yeah, I member."
"God bless Aunt Trudy....she lives in Calyfornya mommy."
"God bless Aunt Jenn and cousin madison, does aunt Jen rock?"
"God bless Nina and Papa, God bless Grandma and my buddy Grandpa."
"God bless Brayden, God bless daddy, God bless Bowden (the dog), God bless mommy."
"God bless my friends, God bless my teachers."
Me - "did we forget anybody?"
"God bless ME! AMEN!"

Amen.

Uh, what did you say?

Me - "Okay boys, let's go to the castle park. We're going out the front door."
Brayden - "blaha brrrr ma"
Ryan - "Um, excuse me mommy, I pooped on your carpet."
M - "What?"
R - "I pooped on your carpet."
M - "Are you kidding me? Did you really poop on mommies carpet or are you playing?"
R - "No, I really did poop on your carpet....see."
B - "AHHHH, Haaaa, heee!"
M - "How did you get the poop out of your pants and on to the carpet ryan?"
R - "I took it out with my hands."
M - "next time can you tell mommy before you poop and we can go in the potty and not put poop on the carpet."
R - "Okay, I will poop like a big boy."

Wonderful.

What a weekend

Last night Tim and I got a night out with some friends. Marty and Bri organized a night at the Durham Bulls game. We got some dinner at Mellow Mushroom, the ball game, fireworks and then a little socializing at the bar after the game. I must admit that when I asked Tim to leave, I wasn't as tired as I said I was at the time, but I was thinking about my ride this morning and if I'd be able to function on so little sleep. It was nice to get out amongst adults even though I'm not really a social butterfly.

So since we've moved, I've had the luxury of being able to get out on Sunday mornings and get some good road time in on the bike. It's absolutely gorgeous out here! Nice rolling hills, the lake, little to no vehicular traffic, and tons of other cyclists out. I was out of the house this morning by 7:15 and got a great 32 miles in. Just amazing riding. Not only good training, but just so good mentally as well. Peaceful, slightly overcast, cool weather, shady roads, rooster crowing. I just love my Sunday long rides now as apposed to being on the trainer for 2-3 hours.

The other great thing has been my ability to go to our neighborhood pool during the week and get one to two quick swims in...nothing long or extremely difficult. But it seems that the more I get in the pool the better I swim...whoa, what a concept right? The boys are loving the pool too, if we could only get Brayden to actually swim and not run around like a wild chicken.

Just a quick one

A huge thank you to everyone regarding the last post I made. I've not only gotten the comments from you all online but I've gotten some phone calls as well from people who read my blog. My intention was not only to share my experience in hopes that it may help another mom going through it, but was just as importantly to thank Tim. I don't say it enough to him so I wanted to.

I appreciate everyone's well wishes and encouraging words. It really is nice to have people who care, regardless of whether they are family, acquaintances, or virtual friends. I think I received so many happy thoughts that I had what felt like a kick ass swim last night! I was feeling the love, so thanks again.

Not the good patient

I think it's safe to say that most people working in the health care industry (MDs, RNs, Pharmacists, clinical work, etc.) tend to not make very good patients when their own health or condition is the focus. So why should it surprise me that I was any different. This is a long post and a very personal and difficult one for me to address, so please bear with me. This post may not be understood by most of you but perhaps it will give someone some comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Three years ago, Ryan was only a few weeks old and life was supposed to be WONDERFUL. A new baby, a new husband, a new house...a new life. Isn't that what we dream of as little girls? What we're supposed to want out of life? Instead, I found my self holding my newborn in the middle of the floor, rocking back and forth crying. Thinking to myself that I was no good, I was going to be a horrible mother, praying that I could just get a grip of myself long enough to think clearly. I would walk out of one room laughing and into the next room in tears. Is this what being a new mom is? Does every woman react like this?

Tim and I didn't know what was going on. We fought about it, never realizing that there was an obvious answer. At Ryan's 6 week check-up, the pediatrician did a "postpartum depression survey" with me. After scoring the survey, he smiled at me and said "I'll be right back". When he came back, he was loaded with brochures and facts sheets and simply said "you might want to ready through these."

How dare he accuse me of having postpartum! Who does he think he is? How does any new mother not suffer from fatigue and irritability and anxiety? Does he seriously think I'm going to try and hurt my child? That's what most of us think, right? Postpartum depression is about hurting or killing your child or yourself. But because I couldn't handle being told I had a problem, I suffered through it for more than a year. Telling myself and Tim that it was getting better, when all I was doing was pushing the problem further down. I thought I could take care of it myself. No meds, no support groups, no therapy. I'm a strong woman after all, I've been through so much worse than a few "hormonal moments".

Just after Ryan's 1 year birthday I was starting to feel a little normal again and found out I was pregnant with Brayden. I didn't have the body image issues I had with the first pregnancy, so I didn't think I'd have a problem this time with ppd. I made it through Brayden's 6 week check-up without being handed brochures and both Tim and I thought we were in the clear. Aside from a few crying spells, all seemed well. We had gotten past the postpartum issue with flying colors.

So when Brayden was 6 months old and I started feeling the depression, anxiety and irritability creep up again I was confused. I didn't think it could happen like that...so far after giving birth. Then in January this year I found myself on the phone calling psychiatrists offices, crying asking for help. When 3 different offices told me they didn't take my insurance I gave up and made an appointment with the pediatrician. I would not let this happen again. My health was affecting my kids, my husband, my marriage and my other family. It was time to be responsible and stop being stubborn.

I attended a few support group sessions but found myself saying "I'm not as bad off as they are." How wrong I was. I ended up on two medications for depression and anxiety. I also started going to weekly psychologist sessions where we not only talk about the underlying issues of the depression, anxiety and irritability; but I receive neurofeedback sessions as well. These are sessions using light, sound, and patterns via computer to "correct" neuropathways in your brain. Good for depression, anxiety, irritability, ocd, etc.

Initially I was told that after 6 months we could re-evaluate the medication. So being the stubborn and motivated person I am, I decided to take myself off the medication while we were moving. No consultation, just do it. I know how, I work in drug safety...right? So after 3 weeks of 1/2 doses and missed doses, I had the conversation with the only person who is able to reach me...Tim. "Angela, I don't know what's been going on for the last three weeks but it's not good." After admitting to him what I had done, we had a "come to Jesus" talk so to speak.

Both my psychologist and psychiatrist agreed that I need a few more months of medication and because I essentially created a withdrawal affect by decreasing my medication too quickly. Let it be known that I hate taking medication of any sort. So I'm not happy about having to continue with it, but at this point, after 3 years of suffering from this I can't afford to continue ignoring what is going on. For the sake of my boys, my husband or myself.

Postpartum for me has been an eye-opening and humbling experience. It has claimed too many "should have been happy" times and has caused me to be some person that I know I am not. It has claimed what little bit of positive self image I worked so hard for over the last 15 years and it has put strain on the most wonderful relationship I've ever had.

So now, after 6 months of therapy/medication I have almost no anxiety, and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies have seemed to vanish...what I mean to say is that my closet and dresser are no longer color coded (ROY G BIV) and I don't have to count how many times each foot steps on a certain surface to make sure I'm giving both feet "equal opportunity"...don't ask. I'm still working on the irritability and depression. This has been a very long, hard road. I can honestly say that I will never judge another person who is seeing a psychologist or taking medication. I will not dismiss another woman who is having postpartum issues nor will I underestimate the power hormones have over a person's body.

But I will thank the person who has listened to me, supported me, guided me and loved me. Who has stood by me and never stopped loving me despite the way the last 3 years have played out...Tim. So many people would have turned the other way, but my best friend stayed and has been the most wonderful husband every step of the way. And for that I am forever grateful.

Get Hooked-Up

This was my conversation as I picked Ryan up from daycare today:

R -"Mommy, I bumped Cassius with the dump truck."
M-"Why did you do that buddy? It's not nice to bump people with dump trucks, that hurts them"
R-"I was not pay attention."
M-"did you apologize?"
R-"yeah, I did."
M"What happened after you bumped him, how did you get in trouble."
R-"Ms. Barbara told me no bumping, and I was not being nice, then go get HOOKED UP!"
M-"What does hooked up mean buddy?"
R-"It means, red means stop. You have to stop mommy the light is red now. Stop like the blue truck mommy. When we get home we can watch my car movie because I'm lightening McQueen. I'm fast, I'm a race car and I'm a builder digging in the dirt. You can be 'Mater' mommy and you can watch my movie with me."
M-"Okay, but what does hooked up mean?"
R-"Oh mommy, you stop it now and pay attention. Go get hooked up I said."

I just stopped after that. There's no real conversation with a 3 year old. although I was proud of him for telling me about the situation with Cassius at school.

Off to a good start

So after White Lake 1/2 I took a little more of a training break that I had intended to, but with the house stuff going on it just happened that way. I was supposed to race in an Olympic distance race Saturday with Tim in Washington NC but I declined due to the lack of training. We still went and cheered for daddy (11th overall, yeah!).

I had promised myself that August 1st would kick start the official training for the B2B half in November. So when Tim got on his bike at the race, I hit the run course to try and get a good run in. His parents watched Brayden and my parents had Ryan so it worked out well. Since the run course wasn't marked, I ended up running part of the bike course. I'm not sure exactly how far I ran but it was for just shy of 40 minutes. I had to cut it short because the humidity was awful. I could have showered if I had the soap at 8 minutes in to my run.

After the race, we ate and left the boys at the lake with my parents. Tim and I got to come home and go see Nickelback for the third or fourth time. They put on a GREAT show! Definitely an adult show but a great show. Although, if we decide to go again, I'll have to make sure it's mostly songs from their new album. Essentially we've seen the same show every time we've gone to see them in the past 3 years. They only played 3 songs from their new album this weekend which is a shame. Don't get me wrong, they are a great band, but I want to hear the new stuff. Oh well, the night out was fun anyway.

On Sunday I got a great 2 hour ride in with a friend of mine. We've been talking about getting together to train for months and finally yesterday it worked out. In the pouring rain for two hours, but neither of us cared because we both needed the riding time outdoors. The first 18 miles were at a great pace, working hard. Then she took me up this incline that literally had my bike standing straight up. It was killer...and that was it for me. After that we finished the last 10-12 miles or so at a very leisurely pace, side by side, talking. It was a good time regardless. And guess what, we even talked about making Sundays a regular thing! Oh the glory of it. I'm so excited.

So days 1 and 2 of official training started off really well. Now a short swim tonight then a run/swim tomorrow. I'm getting back in the swing of things. Look out B2B.