I can't remember what I was watching last week that talked about a woman's world changing after motherhood. But the character made reference that before she had kids she was a successful career woman who felt secure and powerful in her job. She felt smart and got the reassurance and "good jobs" from co-workers and bosses and knew how to do her job and do it very well. Then she became a mother, where she constantly felt like she didn't know anything, nothing she did was right, she constantly second guessed herself and nobody was there to say "way to go" you did exactly the right thing. She always felt inadequate about the job she was doing and guilty for every fault her child had or every misery they suffered.
I watched this show and said to myself "exactly". Exactly. Exactly. What is it about our children that can make us crumble to pieces and doubt every fiber in our being? A test every single moment of every single day, it's completely and utterly mentally exhausting. For those of you still in the honeymoon phase that is the first 18-20 months, you might not exactly know what I'm talking about...or maybe you do depending on how temperamental your newborn was. But there is something to this term "terrible two's", which apparently gets worse in year three according to the women I've been talking to around here. Lord help me. Seriously. I need several more hands to count the number of times I've been brought to tears out of feelings of anger and inadequacy by this 2.5 year old that I love more than my own life. Doubting how I'm teaching him things, what we watch or don't watch on tv (the few times it is turned on in our house), places I'm taking him, the examples I set by how I react to things or with my general habits both good and bad. I just keep thinking to myself..."didn't we go over this already", "why doesn't he get it yet", "how many more tantrums must I endure"?
My point is this, yesterday Tim said to me after a moment of breaking down due to said 2.5 year old..."Angela, you just need a break from the kids. Let's go out and have some adult time, no kids, and have fun." You would think I would jump at that right? Well after an hour bike ride and a few more minutes of reflection, I agreed. I need time away to regroup. It's like I get stuck in this negative hole after dealing with my beloved Ryan during these fits and then trying to handle a 9 month old who's into EVERYTHING on top of that. I feel like all I'm ever doing is saying "no" or scolding him for something he's doing that he's not supposed to do. I do realize that I need the breaks but I feel the most guilt I've ever felt every time I leave my boys to go have some fun and get some relaxation. I keep thinking that I'm being a bad mom for not being able to handle things better causing me to have to "leave" them.
For some of the newer moms, have you taken time away yet? Just you and your significant other? Letting the little one sleep over with family or just an evening out for dinner/movie? Anyone with two or more kids, how often do you take nights off? The first time I really left Ryan was for a week when he was 8 months old...truth be told I was forced to take a vacation to Hawaii for our anniversary. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have gone. But now with two, I feel even more guilt about trying to leave because two is much more for other people to handle. I know grandparents love the opportunity, but at the same time I try not to ask too often. How crazy am I about all of this or am I just over reacting and there is a simple solution that will help me out...I'm looking for some input here.
I Remember
5 years ago
2 comments:
I'm still in the honeymoon stage of no sleep with my 3 month old... I have felt some guilt when I'm away from Moana, but I'm really only away from her while I'm training, which hasn't been more than a few hours at a time. I feel less guilty about it now than I did in her first month. I think if I were working full time I wouldn't be able to train at all because I just couldn't be away from her that much. As it stands, I'm tending to her 22 out of 24 hours a day so my couple of 'me hours' are well deserved and make me a better mom. :)
I'll get back to you when she's 2 and let you know how all that has changed!!
I'm also still in the honeymoon phase. We have gone out a few times and left him with my sister or a babysitter so we can have some alone time. I don't feel too guilty doing that because I know he's getting spoiled but I feel terrible still leaving him in daycare when I go to work.
On Saturday we had friends over and they have 2 kids about the same age as yours. She was having a lot of the same frustrations as you. She is a stay at home mom but to get a little balance she tried putting the older girl in daycare just twice a week so she could spend a little alone time with the younger child. Well the doctor told her to take the older child out of daycare because it was stressing out the older child too much. She feels like a terrible mom because her daughter can't handle daycare. So I can't tell you anything to make you feel better but I do think there are lots of moms out there going through the same emotions and frustrations as you.
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