Tim and I were talking tonight about how different life is with kids. How your expectations and perceptions change. It all stemmed from a comment I made right after Brayden was born "You didn't even cry this time." this was said in response to Tim comment of "You're acting like you didn't know what was going to happen."
It's not that I didn't know what was going to happen, it was the fact of welcoming a new member to the family, meeting my son for the first time and being overwhelmed by emotion; regardless of having had the experience of child birth before.
I remember it with Ryan, being surreal and I was almost in a state of denial that it was happening. I cried out of fear of what was happening or could happen. With Brayden, I cried out of joy, there was no fear the second time. After Ryan was born, every step was cautious, everything I ate was for another cause. Every word I said, the tone I used...was I doing anything or everything right. Because that's how we feel as first time mothers. Regardless of if it's text book, we feel that we have to be the best for our child. Tim said that or expectations were so high with Ryan...and now with Brayden we're just saying "ah, whatever, we've got this". Hearing Tim say this got me thinking.
The first one is different. We're learning as we go, it's as new for us as it is for them. It's almost like the first one is the one that teaches us it's okay to let some things go, to relax about dirty socks, bumped heads and skinned knees, messy floors from spaghetti, eating food off the ground, letting them share food with the dog...etc. And the children that come after the first, well they reap the benefit of our education. Quite honestly, they have an easier time.
It makes me feel bad for Ryan, guilty almost about how hard I am on him sometimes, for the expectations I set for him and myself as a mother. The one thing I constantly question was did we get pregnant again too quickly. Should we have let Ryan be "just Ryan" for a little while longer. But one look from Brayden tells me that this family wouldn't be my family without him and he wouldn't be him had we not gotten pregnant when we did.
Ryan is starting to get his long term memory as he is now recalling the fact that he and I carved a pumpkin at Halloween last October. With that, I hope when he's older that he doesn't remember his youth as one of expectations that were too high for him to excel or reach. I hope he doesn't think that Tim and I didn't love him as much as his brother because of those expectations. I hope he realizes that he's teaching us more about being parents, adults and people and life than we could ever possibly teach him. Ryan, mommy loves you more than you will ever know!
If it gets easier with two, I wonder how three will be?
4 comments:
Three? Oh you're so brave! ;)
I think you're right about the expectations new moms have of themselves to get everything right even though we don't actually have a clue what we're doing... I do think the second one will be easier. But a third one? THEN you need a minivan!!
This is a great post. I don't think he will ever think that you were too hard on him, at all. I think it is cool that they are so close in age. I'm trying to figure out spacing now and wondering if we should let Nick have his time, but it would be cool to have another buddy for him. Who knows.
This is a beautiful post that Ryan will love reading one day. I think high expectations are part of the territory for first borns and it turns them into high achieving adults. And like Michelle said, you are brave for thinking about three.
What a great post! Avoiding high expectations for both yourself as a mother and for your first born are basically impossible to avoid. It is nice to hear that the 2nd baby is easier because I couldn't imagine having a 2nd one right now. I think Elena needs to more independent and start sleeping through the night consistently before I could think of a 2nd. That is awesome that you are thinking of a 3rd!
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