How's it been going

It's been a wild ride the last 5 months! Yep, Gabby is 5 months old; hard to believe. I don't know what I would have done had she been a more difficult baby, it's really the only thing that kept the little bit of sanity remaining in me. But one thing is for sure...3 is not the same as 2. I don't know how many people I had asked before we got pregnant with #3 about how difficult it really was, and the consensus was "oh, adding one more isn't really anything" "not bad at all"...uh wrong answer.

Don't get me wrong, I think by the time you get to the third one, you've pretty much gotten over all of your OCDish, crazy first time parent tendencies and you've relaxed a lot more. So in that regard, maybe you don't feel as overwhelmed about a baby being in the house. One thing I've come to realize is that one child makes you a parent, two gives you perspective and three makes you completely change your strategy. We are out numbered, and whereas having a 5 and 3 year old that are for the most part pretty independent at this point, there is still constant supervision needing to be had around here. The boys are wide open.

When you try to juggle a 5 year old newly in kindergarten, a 3 year old suffering from no longer being THE baby, and a newborn with all that comes with it...well it's just crazy at times. My idea of cleanliness has become way more relaxed than I ever thought it would, and the main goals to accomplish by the end of the day are: full bellies, no broken bones, as few meltdowns as possible and quality time.

A few years ago I posted about difficulties I had with postpartum depression with both the boys. So this was actually a real concern after this pregnancy. "They" say that you are more prone to develop ppd if you have previously experienced it and that it gets more severe each time. Given how bad it was after Brayden, we were prepared this time and more aware than ever of what sets it off and precautions to take to avoid it. It was a huge relief at my 6 week check up when they gave me the survey that I only scored a 2 or 3 out of 10...10 being ppd.

I started back to work after 6 weeks at 30 hrs/week, which is the schedule I had from about 6 months into the pregnancy until I left to deliver. It was hard. It was the first time I had to put one of the kids in daycare before their 1st birthday and seeing her there with kids that were all 3 months older than her broke my heart. Dealing with that on top of the stress from work was starting to add up. I was a team lead over 8 people for a drug safety team and it was just a lot to deal with.

So about a month ago, I went to the doctor when I started feeling the change come over me. I retook the ppd survey and scored a 7 out of 10. They told me I had triggered on the anxiety/stress questions and that they didn't think it was really depression at that point, but I got a good talking to about things I needed to try to do to keep it from getting worse. I walked out with a prescription for medication and found myself crying in the car on the way home. We had been so careful to keep this from happening and here it was smacking me in the face again. Why on earth?

So in the end, the solution ended up being me quitting my job. Now, there were other reasons that made this the right move, but this was certainly a contributing factor. This time, there is no "part-time" or "from-home"...it's just me at home with Brayden and Gabby. I'm admittedly a little scared, but very excited. In my head I think, "what do I do all day with them". But I've already started to make a schedule. Unfortunately, not much can be done right now because of the holidays, but by January we'll be set. Swim classes, story times, parks, maybe find a play group. The best thing, I get to volunteer one day a week in Ryan's room at school. I went this week and had a blast. The look on his face when I got there was priceless and hearing him whisper to his friends "that's my mommy, see I told you my mommy was coming...she's my mommy". It just made me know that this was the right move for us.

I take nothing away from a woman that can juggle being a wife, mother and a full time employee...in fact being a wife/mother are a full time job within itself. But indeed, adding a third child proved to be the straw that broke this camel's back. When I was at work, I was preoccupied with thoughts of the kids, Tim and the house...and when I was at home, I was preoccupied with what needed to be done at work. I just didn't feel like I was doing anything to the best that I could. I'm very lucky that I have an understanding and supportive husband and that we are financially in a place that we can afford it.

So I've been at home now since Thanksgiving and my stress level has dropped tremendously. The house is taking a while to get organized since it was just a mess from 5 months of neglect, Gabby is still a gem and just getting so big and nearly mobile (yikes), Brayden is loving the 1 on 1 time he's getting now (which is helping his middle child syndrome to chill) and Ryan seems happy.

Life is good in my house, or at least getting better and back on track.